Irrespective of age, gender, or circumstances, domestic violence extends beyond the physical and it can scar you emotionally for the rest of your life. Contrary to popular belief, domestic violence doesn’t need to be continued for an extended period for it to affect one, it is capable of changing your thought process and emotional stability in a single moment.
However, most victims, as you may know, don’t stand up for themselves or talk about it.Whether it’s because of physical or financial fear, love, or gaslighting, they often start blaming themselves for the events. Although this has changed with increased awareness and access to support, nearly 30% of women worldwide still face some form of violence from their intimate partner.
Reporting domestic violence is only the tip of the iceberg. The physical and emotional damage inflicted by those horrible events often leaves the victims with a lot to cope with. We’re here to help you with that.
Accepting What You Went Through
Acceptance is one of the first major steps. Most victims of domestic violence and abuse fail to recognize what is going on while they’re in the relationship. They accept the violence, often as natural, and refuse to accept and discuss what they’re going through. In most cases, it is only after the relationship is subjected to major scrutiny from friends and family, that the victim realizes what’s going on and contacts a divorce lawyer.
As a victim of domestic abuse, you may still fear talking about it or be in denial. However, you must understand that most abusers are bullies. The best thing to do is accept what you went through and start accepting help.
Embracing and Welcoming Support
The emotional aspect of abuse and violence is more complex than you or I think. Let us look at why a victim keeps going back to their abuser. Typically, abusers gaslight their victims into thinking that they’re being abused out of love. They make you believe that you are an annoying, stupid person who isn’t worthy of their care. They often claim that they are right in getting angry at you or hitting you. If you’ve ever involved cops, you may have already noticed this. They try to berate you into thinking you’ve done something stupid and have made the worst possible mistake by “letting the cops into your house”.
Well, that is just not true.
That’s why support groups and therapy are so important. They’re there to help you rewire your brain into not believing those words anymore. You’re a capable person who can think, act, and respond without needing to validate your actions or opinions. Taking help from your employer, removing weapons, and filing for a protection order are often perceived as the best mitigation efforts for domestic violence.
Learning to Manage Your Overwhelming Emotions
The fear of being alone is a strong one. Believing that you were under the protection of a loving partner and realizing that you aren’t anymore, is even stronger. Our bodies work in a complex way. We understand what is happening, but our consciousness often refuses to accept it. It keeps wanting the validation of the abuser and fills you with overwhelming emotions that aren’t particularly healthy or true.
Managing emotions doesn’t mean concealing them. Cry and talk. Talk to your therapist, your counselor, your friends, and your family. Let them know what you’ve been going through and how your abuser has managed to control your actions and emotions through fear and mockery.
In most domestic abuse cases, the victim isolates themselves from friends and family in order to appease the partner. If you’ve done so, make amends with them. Talk to them about the circumstances that made you hurt them unintentionally. Let them know you still want them by your side.
Regaining Control of Yourself
It’s hard not to think about your ex-partner through rose-colored glasses. You may even miss their loving side and choose to completely forget about the abuse. Stay strong and you’ll get through it. Regaining emotional control over your actions is what domestic violence therapy and treatments are all about.
You have to believe that you’re capable of having an absolutely normal relationship where your partner appreciates your efforts and you understand their emotional needs without shedding any more blood. If you aren’t employed, getting a job in these tough situations can make you more responsible for yourself and will most definitely have a positive outcome.
Feeling Safe in a Relationship
Let me give you an example of abuse. It may not resonate with domestic violence, but it may as well turn into it. One of my close friends had a relationship where her partner would indefinitely be unavailable to even text her back for weeks due to a “demanding career”, while she had a much more demanding career in my opinion. What was even scarier was that she justified his actions to us.
This doesn’t make someone feel safe in a relationship. If your partner hides certain aspects of their life, that’s a red flag that you need to steer clear of them. Especially after a history of domestic violence. You have to accept that you need care and affection. These events can and do trigger past trauma in relationships. It’s your right to feel safe in a relationship or get out.
Coping With Your Triggers
Regular things like a place, words, or even a smell can trigger trauma in domestic violence victims. While the reactions may not be the same for everyone or as violent as the other, they can open up wounds that were previously thought to be healed. Panic attacks, momentary lapses, and anxiety attacks are common symptoms of trauma-induced triggers.
You need to train your brain to differentiate between past events and what is happening now. In the event of a trigger, try to calm down and take repeated deep breaths until the brain gets the message. Focusing on the present may also work for you. Ultimately, feeling safe in your present environment is the key. Focus on surrounding yourself with partners, friends, and families who make you feel safe, and don’t let the past determine your present.
The Bottom Line
You’re the victim of domestic abuse. It’s not your fault that your intimate partner was a controlling bully. Rebuilding your life after domestic violence involves accepting the trauma, welcoming support, and learning to manage your emotions. Additionally, regain control of yourself, try to build better relationships with caring people, and learn how to cope with your triggers.